I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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