You really coming over, don't trick.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
