I just pynch a tree in the face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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