I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
