Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
