Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
