This is not my ceiling
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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