bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
