You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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