i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize