Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
