i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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