He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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