you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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