Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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