This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
