Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
