the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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