the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
