So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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