I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
