a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
