Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I want to fling myself into the sun
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
