dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
