he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Randomize
