I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
