Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
