pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
