Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
