I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize