just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
