So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
