Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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