I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
