What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
there is glitter all over my balls
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
