If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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