so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
