just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
