Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
