I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
