Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
