I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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