In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Vodka?
Forever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
