True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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