...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
