as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
