Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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