before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
