i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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