I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
