omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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