I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
