Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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