i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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