The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
