Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
