I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
