Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
