omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
