Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
