I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize