I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love you.
Bad choice
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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