Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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