You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
