i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Panties = found
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
