Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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